Granada Excerpts

Again, Vamsee has done an incredible job putting pictures to words. Check it out. So, I won’t dwell on the details of the trip. I just wanted to talk about the stories behind the words and the pictures.

Granada is a very different place. One day it looked straight out of a medieval period drama. Another day, it looked as though it was straight out of a street in Istanbul or Afghanistan. The people were gracious, too gracious at times. We were being led to our lodgings by this old man who spoke passable English. He was reeking of sherry and garlic, quite an odd combination. One with a weak stomach would have puked in a minute. This street that the house was on had an exotic feel to it. There were graffiti of different clubs and action groups. There were the ubiquitous anti-US and anti-Bush slogans everywhere. Then I chanced upon a suicide-prevention center graffiti. Never have I seen a weirder way of advertising! As we were walking past the graffiti, we passed by a group of teenagers who were goofing around, a few of them in gothic costumes- eye shadows, hair in spikes, and wearing iron in earrings and bangles. It was quite a sight. We then came to a Halal shop, with screaming signs that promised the best meat in Granada. As we walked up to our room on the 1^st floor, the smell of garlic and meat wafted up to meet us.

The rooms were fantastic. Although someone who had occupied the rooms before us had managed to lock the bathroom FROM THE INSIDE! It was the strangest thing. Vamsee talked about the TV. The screen was the size of a postage stamp. It only had 3 channels. And one of the channels always carried an American show dubbed in Spanish. Saru and I stayed glued to the TV in spite of the Spanish. You cannot blame us. It was the one where Ross wears leather pants, and powders his thighs to put them back on. It was funny in English, and it was funny in Spanish as well! But Vamsee and Kala wanted to spend quality time talking. Who talks while Friends is on TV?!

We walked everywhere. Kala was a fantastic sport. She was struggling to breath, but would not give up a chance to make fun of everyone. There was this one time, Saru preferred to call ducks “bataks” (Hindi for ducks). Substitute “bataks” for ducks, and you get some pretty funny sentences. For instance, he said “Hey! Look at the cute bataks”. People walking by gave him ugly looks.

The last day, we ran out of toilet paper. One of us (I won’t say who) resorted to using that menthol-saturated tissues. All I say is menthol can be painful. To add to our discomfort, there was no shower in that bathroom, and no shower curtain. So you had to use the hot water and angle everything so nothing spilled out. Hot water was another rare commodity. Vamsee went after Saru. Now people who know him, know that he is perfectly happy sprinkling water on himself as though it was pepper, and claim he was cleaned. So the geyser was practically untouched after he was done. Then Vamsee went in, and had a long luxurious bath. 25 gallons of piping hot water, gone in 30 minutes of ablution. I was only glad not to take a bath.

The next day, Saru had to call India. So we stopped by a local calling center (pretty much like the PCOs in India). As these 2 lovebirds squeezed into a cubicle the size of a coffin, and took turns screaming into the phone, Kala and I stepped outside. Someone had forgotten to flush in the bathroom next to the cubicles. It was reeking inside. As we loitered about the street, we noticed a couple of teenagers sitting next to the call center. As we sat down on a bench by the building, one of them slowly walked toward us as though he did not want to scare us away. I had noticed that these kids were smoking a joint. This kid came up to us and asked Kala if she wanted a hit! She shook her head and looked away. Then he said “Aei!!” and offered me the joint. I said “No man. It’s fine. Tranquila brother”. He understood “Tranquila brother”, and repeated it again and again and again. Then he started dancing. Then cried, and continued dancing. It was hilarious.

I have got to tell you about the public restrooms they had in Granada. After a couple of beers and a falafel pita, one gets an unbelievable urge to relieve himself. Then, at 8pm, we started hunting around for a public restroom. We found one at last, in the middle of a plaza where there was a crowd gathered to watch a bunch of clowns. You put 0.30 Euros into a slot, and the door swings open. In the room is the loo. You step inside, press a button and the door swings shut. Here’s the catch. The door remains closed for exactly 15 minutes. After that, the door swings open. So if you had a little problem. There is a chance that the door would open. And there you will be, with your pants down and your ass hanging out and half the world watching. A perfect nightmare.

Spooky House in Seville

The house we stayed in was-how to say it-spooky, including the occupants. It had three floors. Kala and I stayed in the bottom floor. There was a large portico, which was filled with plants and a large mirror. The sun shone through the large roof, 3 floors above. Saru and Vamsee’s room was on the second. Pepe the landlord and his housemate lived on the 3^rd floor. To talk to them, you had to buzz them on the intercom, and look up from outside the house. He would then come out onto his balcony with his dog, and grace us with his presence and yell down “Que?” There’s more about this fellow and his dog below.

We were leaving for Granada the next day. Train was leaving at 12pm. We woke up early and packed our bags. Kala, as it was for the entire trip, woke up breathing like a werewolf at 2am that morning also. It was Kala’s turn to take the shower in our room--hot water enough for only one person per room. Don’t ask. The only thing left to do was to pay our rent.

So I buzzed Pepe. Oh, and I forgot to tell you about his housemate. This man was always dressed in a corduroy jacket, and was always walking the dog. He always stunk of alcohol, and his eyes were always bloodshot- anytime of the day. I think we already established that neither he nor Pepe spoke a word of English. That dog was another specimen altogether. It was buck-toothed, i.e., it had one tooth sticking outside its mouth. I had never seen a dog like that before. Kala kept grabbing my arm every time the dog came near. Vamsee is scared of anything that even smelled of a dog. So she refused to come up to Pepe’s room. I tell you, the woman would run behind Saru if a little poodle the size of a pin came sniffing at her toe. This dog was old as well, and man was it mangy! Just like everything in the house, grooming of the dog had also fallen into disrepair.

Kala and I went up to Pepe’s room. One more thing to add to the creepiness, the steps always creaked. 10am, and the man was drunk, and he had forgotten to put his dentures on. As he was mumbling about the room looking for a pen to write the receipt with, Kala and I looked about the living room. The walls were painted in saffron color, of all colors to choose from. Everything looked old. The room also smelt funny. As though someone thought of making beef stew, decided to make pickled cabbage instead, then forgot to put it inside the fridge and it began to rot. I had to step outside to catch my breath soon enough. But Kala was courageous. She held her breath.

Then, I saw something made me step back and take notice. There was a water-color painting on the wall in front of us. In it was a young man in a white shirt, sitting next to a bay window, on a white couch. Blue ocean stretched beyond behind him in the window. There was a dog sitting next to him. This dog looked just like the buck-toothed one that was running about us now, wanting to be petted- buck-tooth and all! Just curious, I looked toward the bottom of the painting to see when this was painted, and it read “1939”. I thought it was too much of a confidence, and I concentrated on the man in the painting. A man in his thirty’s, with thick and slick black hair combed back, a sallow complexion and an empty look overall- it was a younger-looking Pepe alright! Kala was busy trying not to throw up from the smell. I thought it would be good to distract her. Instead, I bloody well scared her alright. She asked the question that was at the back of my mind as well: If this was Pepe in the picture, he must be over 100 now! This man looked 70-75 tops. And that dog must be over 90 as well!!! It was very very strange indeed.

Then I chanced upon another painting next to this one. This one was even creepier. This one had a man, again in his thirties, with a parrot perched on his shoulder, and a pregnant cat sitting on his lap. Darker in complexion, with a brown corduroy jacket, and a moustache- this was the housemate of Pepe. The same question escaped both Kala and my lips: Were these the oldest gay couple known to us? And what was the story with these pets of theirs?

Before we could see any more, Pepe ambled up to us with the receipt, which he had written himself. The penmanship was spectacular. It looked as though he had written it with a feather, with a calligraphy that was quite uncommon, although with a mild tremor. We could not bear the odor in the room anymore. And Pepe seemed to be fading. I swear I could see flies swarm about him everywhere he went. So we thanked him, and left the house hurriedly.

Carrying our heavy suitcases, we left the house locking the doors behind us. As we were leaving, I looked up and saw the buck-toothed dog and the pregnant cat look down upon us, from 3 floors above. As we turned the corner and before the house disappeared from view, I swear I saw the creatures lift their paws bidding us farewell…

Flamenco Night

You all know the saga with the retrieval of the stolen laptop. So you can guess the utter relief we must have felt. And relieved we were. Vamsee has done a phenomenal job cataloging the sights we saw after the Seville episode. Click here to read it.

You saw the New Year’s flamenco show. Man, was she hot- Picante hot. The four of us were captivated by the waitress. Kala was awestruck by her narrow-as-a-twig waist. Vamsee thought she looked like a doll. Saru thought she was a doll until she moved and talked. He had this camera with him, which he was focusing on this doll. You should have seen the shock that registered in his face. I did not care if she was a doll or not. I blessed the minute she talked to me. She said “%^^*())?><”. That was what it sounded to me. I must have looked lost-Me without my phrase-book. Then she switched to a sultry Spanglish “What dhrink dhu yu wanth?” I said “Thank you!” with a sigh of relief. She laughed, then Kala laughed, then Vamsee and Saru laughed. We all laughed, since the goddess found it funny. We all settled down with our glasses of red wine. Then the singers came, and gave a performance that was fantastic. None of us understood what he was saying. But it was filled with pathos. Vamsee and Kala fell for the guitarist, who looked like a young J-Lo’s husband (forgot the name).

I forgot to mention the maitre d’. He had this whole lover-boy image thing he wanted to put out there for all the available men that night. Pink shirt, hair down to the shoulders and balding at the front, and the tie was blood-red. Quite an ensemble, I must add. He gave the introduction to the performance in Spanish, French, and Spanglish.

Then the real goddess came down the stairs. I felt every man and woman shift in their seats. I know I did. The room was small enough to fit 30 people. They had seated 50. So it was shoulder-to-shoulder room only. The first dance Carmen did was sad. We deciphered it was about this woman who was lamenting her dead husband, who may or may not have cheated on her. Kala went and asked her what the meaning of her dance was, after the dance was over. The lady did not speak English, but the maitre d’ did. He said it was very difficult to explain. A lot of help that was. We loved it though. The second dance was more joyous. This is what Vamsee recorded for all of us to enjoy, bless her soul. After the night was over, we had champagne, then grapes for every strike of the hour. At the end, Kala and Vamsee took photos with this woman. Then, hand in hand, we walked back to our apartment. In all, it was a gorgeous night. One that we will remember every time New Year’s Eve rolls over. Not a worry in our hearts. Saru had his two pants, Kala did not care her throat had slammed shut thanks to the alcohol. She had her menthol-scented tissues (you have got to see them to enjoy them), Vamsee was positively delirious since she had seen her first and only Flamenco for the trip, and I did not care for I was in the best company in all of Europe (at least in south Spain). Little did I know that stranger times were up ahead.