Allo folks:
As the year draws to a close, you guys must be getting all the feel-good year-end emails and voicemails from your managers and higher-ups. Just another smoothing of nerves before the next round of spanking begins come the new year.
I have been thinking. What if one had the kahoonies to write it like it is. A little thought experiment, and I came up with this:
Dear employees:
As the year draws to a close, you must look forward to such feel-good emails from us, just to see how removed from realty we really are. Since we, as the reasonable compassionate people we have been all year with the lay-offs and pay-cuts, have decided to acquiesce your desires. If we cant pay you or keep your jobs here, we might as well do the little we can in keeping with the holiday spirit. It is after all christmas.
We have accomplished a lot this year. We were at the bottom of a seemingly unsurmountable mountain at the beginning of this year. Our technology was at the rock-bottom, morale was low, deadlines were looming close, budget was strung tight like a freshly botoxed face. Now look at us: We have realized that that seemingly unsurmountable mountain was in fact, covered at the top by a cloud. Through the year, the cloud disappeared and its in fact a mountain with a volcano brewing at the top. We have lost a few people in the process, andgained a few good friends in china and
strings have been tightened even more. Please be glad you have jobs. If we hear you complain about the economy, who won in the elections, the stinking garbage, and ill-maintained toilets or even the weather in general, that will count as a "black mark" on your files. Ou HR police is on the high-alert for the season.
On the bright side, we shall have a christmas tree in the lobby with little santa and Rudolf ornaments on it. Employees are asked to proffer $10 to pay for the fake tree the management managed to procure from Walmart. The christmas was a grand success thanks to the efforts of you people. Sorry about the late announcement of further lay-offs. It was bad taste on our HR's behalf to announce the news during the party. I mean who does that? That bit on who is going to be laid off (We misprinted initially as "Paid Off". Hahahahaha) on top of it was just uncalled for. The announcer (who was encouraged to do so by our CEO in the first place) has been properly reprimanded.He is cooling his heels in
Please keep up the good work. We need more horses like you to flog. The glue industry has a high demand for old horses. FYI, we have some secret plans in the cooking to usurp your 401-K plan moolah. Kenneth Leigh (spelling ok?) from Enron is our hero. In fact, his picrure hangs in one of our restricted boardrooms. What a guy! In all, it was one good year for all of us.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS.
Management.
p.s. Please fee free to take you stuffed stockings from the security on your way out today. Unfortunately its coal in the stocking. Our
